So, after having numerous Star Trek related dreams, and waking up thinking I was a wizard needing to complain to Dumbledore about muggles, I *FINALLY* had a dream that I was a Timelord. Mwahaha. Yes, I was a girl Timelord and I was awesome. I may have even... well, lets just say I hung out with The Doctor. And I called him "sweety" to freak him out. Also, I was like, "are you going to be David Tennant or Matt Smith in this version?" Gosh, I love myself. ;)
Anyway, I emerged from sleep bright and early somewhere between 3AM and 4AM. I don't remember the exact time. I've been up before 5AM generally. I love it. Which annoys me. Cuz it puts a real damper on the evenings when you're, you know, asleep. I pass out and like, 5 or 6. :P My social life has been zilch. I wake up every morning to texts: "are you up?" and I'm like, dang, missed it again. Oh well. At least I'm Getting Shit Done. :D I did a bunch of business related planning and designing this morning and then after I couldn't stand to sit around any longer, I cleaned my room in like, a burst of super energy. Annoying half the household... It's now 10AM and I'm listening to music and thinking about eating food. And glad to see things gradually but steadily falling into place. The more you can, the more you can.
Aaaand I just got a text asking me to turn my music down.
Showing posts with label rambles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rambles. Show all posts
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Never Felt This Before
So back in the spring, I started having these little "bubbles" -- moments where I felt like I was briefly touching on a memory, something good. Those moments have ebbed and flowed over the course of the year, not always there (I still had many dark paths to travel) but still growing all the time. Lately I feel like I have little flashbacks, just randomly when I'm doing random things. But not to negative things. To good feelings and memories. Sometimes I can't quite place what I'm thinking of, it just tickles the edge of my memory. Other times it is quite powerful.
Well, this morning I was looking up a couple of songs on Spotify, then the next thing I knew I was sorting playlists and such. I came upon my "Shelf" of beloveds and started listening to songs that I've loved over the years.
And this incredible feeling came over me. Like crazy. I can't even describe it. It was like being sucked back into something and yet being propelled forward at the same time. Explosive. I started remembering all these places and moments and feelings from times past so strongly. So, so strongly. Like they had just happened. Things that I thought I had lost forever. Pieces of myself. It was a feeling I can't even describe because it's so explosive and so complex. There's like, amazement and the beauty of the memory, the thrill that you hold something like that within yourself, the sadness that you forgot about it, the joy and relief of rediscovery, the gratitude, and that "something" I never had a word for to begin with.
...I don't like the person I've been the last few years. *sigh* I was swept up in things I don't even completely understand yet. But I know the I was worshiping at dark alters, and the person that turned me into -- yeah. That was the most internally barren I've ever been. I don't like what it feels like to live in guilt and self-pitty and needyness. I don't like the actions I made from that place. So the fact that I have pushed through (somehow) and that I'm finding myself, more and more ... is just more than I could have ever hoped for.And I'm learning to forgive myself for everything.
Something that I read recently and has become a huge source of encouragement to me. From the 1st chapter of James:
GAH! That is all so beautiful -- so LIFE FILLED. So deeply penetrating. And sums up so much of the imagery and "nudges" God has been sending me for months. "For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life." I want that so much, that love and that life. And as I have begun to cultivate that desire my life is changing in amazing ways. I look so forward to the rest of this journey, even though I know the hard parts aren't entirely over yet. I just wish I could have had this attitude from the start. :P But you know. No regrets and stuff. It is what it is... For the first time in, well, a long time, I feel like God IS giving me a FUTURE. Which feels incredible. Astounding. And I don't know, I think I'm starting to ramble so I guess I'll just end this now.
Well, this morning I was looking up a couple of songs on Spotify, then the next thing I knew I was sorting playlists and such. I came upon my "Shelf" of beloveds and started listening to songs that I've loved over the years.
And this incredible feeling came over me. Like crazy. I can't even describe it. It was like being sucked back into something and yet being propelled forward at the same time. Explosive. I started remembering all these places and moments and feelings from times past so strongly. So, so strongly. Like they had just happened. Things that I thought I had lost forever. Pieces of myself. It was a feeling I can't even describe because it's so explosive and so complex. There's like, amazement and the beauty of the memory, the thrill that you hold something like that within yourself, the sadness that you forgot about it, the joy and relief of rediscovery, the gratitude, and that "something" I never had a word for to begin with.
...I don't like the person I've been the last few years. *sigh* I was swept up in things I don't even completely understand yet. But I know the I was worshiping at dark alters, and the person that turned me into -- yeah. That was the most internally barren I've ever been. I don't like what it feels like to live in guilt and self-pitty and needyness. I don't like the actions I made from that place. So the fact that I have pushed through (somehow) and that I'm finding myself, more and more ... is just more than I could have ever hoped for.And I'm learning to forgive myself for everything.
Something that I read recently and has become a huge source of encouragement to me. From the 1st chapter of James:
2-4 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5-8 If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
12 Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.
16-18 So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.
19-21 Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life.
25 But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action.
GAH! That is all so beautiful -- so LIFE FILLED. So deeply penetrating. And sums up so much of the imagery and "nudges" God has been sending me for months. "For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life." I want that so much, that love and that life. And as I have begun to cultivate that desire my life is changing in amazing ways. I look so forward to the rest of this journey, even though I know the hard parts aren't entirely over yet. I just wish I could have had this attitude from the start. :P But you know. No regrets and stuff. It is what it is... For the first time in, well, a long time, I feel like God IS giving me a FUTURE. Which feels incredible. Astounding. And I don't know, I think I'm starting to ramble so I guess I'll just end this now.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Open To The Radical
Lately I have felt God beginning to urge me into a radical approach to my life. This has manifested itself in a question: am I willing to pursue health and make it a priority, even if the methods may be unconventional, or inconvenient, or even downright weird? This is something I struggle with. I am highly aware of the fact that perceptions of me are in the minds of others. While I embrace and enjoy this fact in many ways (maybe sometimes I am even too amused by it... lol), there are still areas of my life I allow to be clogged with the judgements of others. But now I'm starting to ask: are my health, happiness, dreams worth being lost in that? I'm beginning to lean strongly towards "no way." But it is a process.
It's still very hard for me to describe this new turn in my thinking. It doesn't seem like anything that remarkable when I write it down, but it really is like someone has turned on a gigantic light in my brain and I'm going, WOAH, now I can see everything! I'm hoping that I can begin to collect more and more of my thoughts and build up a more concrete expression over time. Hell, I barely even know what I'm thinking yet. Every day I discover new thoughts, new perspectives, new ideas. It's wonderful. And I think I've gotten off topic...
So what is this radical approach I speak of? Well, the first thing that struck me is sleep. Sleep and I are not soul sisters. Best friends? Not even close. Acquaintances? Maybe, at best. At worst, bitter enemies. I've struggled for years with trying to force my sleeping self into a standard I decided I should have, and beating myself up whenever I slipped. Now that I've stopped blindly soldering on and taken a step back to assess, I can see how being so forceful has been damaging. I've done some research and discovered that not all human bodies fall into a neat and tidy sleep cycle. Some sleep in two segments, some are on a 25 hour cycle, etc. Mental illness can also affect (or is it effect...? I will never know) circadian rhythms. Paring this up with my yogi knowledge that encourages acceptance, intuition, living in the moment, and gentleness with the self, I began to wonder if maybe I should stop proverbially screaming at my body and try to listen to it. Let go of my tight grip for a bit and see what happens naturally. Stop being SO anal and just go with it.
I've observed that lately I have been very alert, creative, inspired, focused, and energetic between approx. 1AM and 10AM. This can vary slightly, but always VERY early in the morning. This is only after staying awake all night, however. If I try to go to bed early enough to get up between 5AM and 7AM, a) I can't really fall asleep, b) I don't feel awake when I do get up. So I've decided, why fight this? If I can get a lot accomplished around 5AM and sleep blissfully between 10AM and 6PM, why fight that? Or why fight it however it plays out? I just "know" deep down that right now, it's important to sleep, and then be active, whenever and however it naturally happens. I need healing rest, and purposeful energy much more than I need to fit into a social norm. Right?
Ok, ok, I know that seems weird. The thing is, I feel intuitively that it would not stay that way for long. If I just let it be, and actually used the INVALUABLE energy when I had it (rather than laying in bed bored because I "should" be asleep), I think a lot of emotional and physical things would balance out, and then sleep would become something more conventional. I also feel that it is an important step for me to learn how to listen to and TRUST my body. After dealing with various painful physical ailments, I am often inclined to be rather negative towards my physical body and very stern and unforgiving towards it and my internal functions. Not cool, and not conductive to health in any way. However, I feel like trusting my body to know when it needs to be asleep and when it needs to be awake could be a great exercise in learning to trust my body and establish a better relationship with it.
That being said, I actually feel like I might sleep for a while, even though it is 6:30AM and this is generally when I've been heading into a wakeful phase. But I allowed myself to nap whenever I felt like it today. So... I guess I'll just keep experimenting and accepting the flow and see what happens.
It's still very hard for me to describe this new turn in my thinking. It doesn't seem like anything that remarkable when I write it down, but it really is like someone has turned on a gigantic light in my brain and I'm going, WOAH, now I can see everything! I'm hoping that I can begin to collect more and more of my thoughts and build up a more concrete expression over time. Hell, I barely even know what I'm thinking yet. Every day I discover new thoughts, new perspectives, new ideas. It's wonderful. And I think I've gotten off topic...
So what is this radical approach I speak of? Well, the first thing that struck me is sleep. Sleep and I are not soul sisters. Best friends? Not even close. Acquaintances? Maybe, at best. At worst, bitter enemies. I've struggled for years with trying to force my sleeping self into a standard I decided I should have, and beating myself up whenever I slipped. Now that I've stopped blindly soldering on and taken a step back to assess, I can see how being so forceful has been damaging. I've done some research and discovered that not all human bodies fall into a neat and tidy sleep cycle. Some sleep in two segments, some are on a 25 hour cycle, etc. Mental illness can also affect (or is it effect...? I will never know) circadian rhythms. Paring this up with my yogi knowledge that encourages acceptance, intuition, living in the moment, and gentleness with the self, I began to wonder if maybe I should stop proverbially screaming at my body and try to listen to it. Let go of my tight grip for a bit and see what happens naturally. Stop being SO anal and just go with it.
I've observed that lately I have been very alert, creative, inspired, focused, and energetic between approx. 1AM and 10AM. This can vary slightly, but always VERY early in the morning. This is only after staying awake all night, however. If I try to go to bed early enough to get up between 5AM and 7AM, a) I can't really fall asleep, b) I don't feel awake when I do get up. So I've decided, why fight this? If I can get a lot accomplished around 5AM and sleep blissfully between 10AM and 6PM, why fight that? Or why fight it however it plays out? I just "know" deep down that right now, it's important to sleep, and then be active, whenever and however it naturally happens. I need healing rest, and purposeful energy much more than I need to fit into a social norm. Right?
Ok, ok, I know that seems weird. The thing is, I feel intuitively that it would not stay that way for long. If I just let it be, and actually used the INVALUABLE energy when I had it (rather than laying in bed bored because I "should" be asleep), I think a lot of emotional and physical things would balance out, and then sleep would become something more conventional. I also feel that it is an important step for me to learn how to listen to and TRUST my body. After dealing with various painful physical ailments, I am often inclined to be rather negative towards my physical body and very stern and unforgiving towards it and my internal functions. Not cool, and not conductive to health in any way. However, I feel like trusting my body to know when it needs to be asleep and when it needs to be awake could be a great exercise in learning to trust my body and establish a better relationship with it.
That being said, I actually feel like I might sleep for a while, even though it is 6:30AM and this is generally when I've been heading into a wakeful phase. But I allowed myself to nap whenever I felt like it today. So... I guess I'll just keep experimenting and accepting the flow and see what happens.
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