Sometimes, I feel like the only person in the world I can stand is my cat. And then I loath myself for feeling that way. That's how today is. Everything and everyone (sans cat) is making me incredibly angry and I'm being very mean and shutting them out, acting, or so I was told, like a five year old. And I know the reason why. Because I'm mad at myself and wallowing in self pitty. And mad at a lot of people and situations in my life.

I once told someone that I thought there was more going on in their head than they even realized. It's funny how we can recognize the things in someone else that we can't see in ourselves, though it be ever so rampant. You see, I would never have put such a label on this mood before as "I'm mad at everyone, etc." I would have just considered myself to be in a grumpy mood, got up on the wrong side of the bed or something, and everyone else were the ones with the problem: they needed to figure out they I was darn well entitled to them staying out of my way. Trouble is, as I realize just how unfair my attitude is and how much I have hurt people with it, it makes me more mad. I get mad at myself for doing it but not knowing how to stop it at the same time. And then that leads to more mean, childish behavior.

I'm finding so much in myself I "didn't know" was there. So many things that I claim "irritate" or "annoy" me actually HURT me and let me down. I can't love or forgive myself for my imperfections; I've got it in my head that the only way I can accept myself is when I have become ACCEPTABLE. I mean, how sad is that? How utterly sad! Jesus loved me BEFORE I was acceptable, He took me as I was, and yet... I can't look at myself that way. All I see is someone who is awkward and unlearned, does nothing right and squanders time and has taken advantage of a lot of sacred things. How do I love THAT? How do I accept THAT? I don't know how, but I know I've got to learn how. Because if I'm waiting to accept myself until I have reached perfection, a.) I'll never accept myself, and b.) I'll never be able to accept other people as flawed, either. And that's the trouble... usually all I see in other people is their flaws.

I great quote is this: "If our attitude towards the self is crippling, our capacity to love is proportionately diminished. The pain of a poor self-image is like the noisy strife of a civil war inside us. It magnetizes all our attention to ourselves and leaves us little freedom to go out to others." John Powell. So true, so very true. A large majority of my problems with other people is my problem with myself. And I didn't know I was supposed to overcome that. I thought, as a Christian, we were supposed to not like ourselves, or else we weren't being honest. But yet, does it ever say that anywhere in the Bible? I believe we were told to love the sinner but hate the sin. So I can accept myself.

Carl Jung said, "Jesus said, 'whatever you do to the least of My brethren, you do to Me.' What if you discovered that the least of the brethren of Jesus, the one who needs your love the most, the one that you can help the most by loving, the one to whom your love will be most meaningful -- what if you discovered that the least of the brethren ... is you?"Powerful. Very powerful indeed.

I could write scores more on this topic because it is something I've been thinking about/reading about along with how it correlates with service and such. But uhg, that wouln't solve ME, that wouldn't make things right in me. How do I do that? I mean, I know the answer, only God can make it right. I was reading in Isaiah the other night about God changing a desert to water and such. In the light of the Bible being a personal message from God to me (something which, sadly, I am all too apt to forget) I am pretty certain I was being assured that the healing and restoration I desire will happen. God will make mysterious, spiritual changes in me, Ashlee [insert full name here]. It's a sure thing; whether I can fathom it or not is not the point. But still, I struggle to hold onto that. There are so many things wrong in my heart, and so many wounds that have been inflicted by other people, so many hang ups because of that. And I don't know how it can ever be made right. But isn't that the point of Christianity? Him coming to bind up our wounds and make us whole again, and thus able to do the work He gives us?

It's hard not to feel crushed under the weight of all this. Which is why I think I have been so quick to push everything down inside of me for so long. But that doesn't work, and I can't find that to be ok anymore. Running from pain has not erased the pain. It just created more pain. I've hurt so many people as a result of my own hurts. I've become in turn depressed, numb, and anxious. It's blinded me and warped my perception of what is good and right. I've used people for my own gain and profaned relationships that should have been VALUED instead of devoured. My lack of honesty with myself has caused a division between the One thing that could fill the voids, bind the wounds, and wash the sin away and be the satisfaction and relief my soul yearns for. Because I didn't hide under His wing, I tried to hide in other things, namely sex. I've felt starved for change and in a rut, which I thought I needed more worldy things to fix: changes in activities or locations and such. But no, the change I am in such desperate need of is a SPIRITUAL change. But you want to know the most ironic thing? It's the fact that I looked on other people living the type of life as depicted above with disdain - how could they be so foolish? - and thought that I myself was a pretty decent Christian with most things figured out.

I thank God He has helped me begin to get over my fear of facing these things and I pray for His grace and His healing.

*sigh*

When did I become such an angry person? I think it happened when I was ... 13? 14? 18? 7? I've been so angry and so hurt by an event that happened years ago I've ended up taking advantage of people I care(d) about most. The shock of having my eyes truly opened hit me about four weeks ago. It was shocking to see just how buried in sin I had become. Gradually, over the past four weeks of pain and confusion, the layers have peeled back more and more. And today I read something that made me realize how much I missed, how much I didn't see. How I was so incredibly selfish and took so much advantage of someone; someone who was in a lot of pain and confusion but I assumed to be fine. And I'm sorry for that. I wish I could tell them that. :(

I'm hopefully starting therapy soon. I've realized if I ever want a shot at a life that is good and worth living, I've got to face that part of me. I don't know how to get through it on my own, which is why I want some "professional help" Dang, that makes me feel so screwed up... But I guess in a way, I kind of am. I've spent my whole life letting the devil pick on me, and trying to distract myself from pain. I've spent years burried under sin, lies, and confusion. I've lied to myself, told myself I didn't care about it, that it didn't bother me. And for a long time that worked; although, looking back on it, the time I started believing that was when I got really depressed and started having stomach problems, so maybe it didn't work so well after all. But anyway, now... now I've truly seen just how much it really has a/effected me: how incapable I am of having good relationships (not just dating relationships, but those too) with people because of my own hang ups. God forgive me, I've been wretched. :*( I was so desperately trying to fill a void (that at the same time I was so desperate to deny was even there) in my own life that I took something from someone that can never be given back. I'm sorry.

It's been said that the truth shall set us free. I'm finding that to be accurate. I took a walk yesterday and noticed two things. First, a new (albeit small, though hopefully growing) determination to do things FOR MYSELF. The desire for independence, if you will. Not wanting other people to do everything for me. And also, though I had walked that road so many times, I was noticing things I had never noticed before; I felt very alive. I want to live. Not just exist, but LIVE. Live a life that is godly, that is filled with good things and service to others. A life that is filled with so much joy of the LORD that the fears and pains are crowded out. I want to BE HEALED. Be changed. I am so excited because I think so many more things are going to be possible for me than I ever imagined. There's this feeling that I cannot put into words. A month ago I felt like I was having everything ripped away from me. In a way, I was.. But I was dying so that I could live, I see that now. It was so hard to get away from everything at first, and I was deeply afflicted -- and conflicted. But when we're attacked, one of the biggest temptations is to not trust God; to think, "if I just had That One Thing, everything would be fine." Nope, not how it works. It's terrifying to have your "security blanket" ripped away from you, or to be taken out of your comfort zone. But that's only at first, and only to try to get you to go back to the old damaging ways. Well, I've seen the Light, satan, you can't fool me anymore. Take that. :P

I still have a lot of regrets, and things I'm sorry for, but I'm determined not to dwell in that aspect of things. I still have a lot of unanswered questions, things I'm confused about. I don't understand completely why everything happened the way it did. But I have faith in God to work everything out; to give me clarity. I don't need to worry about the future, because I'll end up where I need to be if I just follow God. I'm so thankful that He was there watching over everything that's been happening the past few months, and that He intervened when/how He did. It's been painful; there's been a lot of hurt on both sides, but no one's to blame. But it was definitely not a beneficial situation, although God has graciously ultimately worked it out for our good.

I visited a church with a friend two Sundays ago. I wasn't really that impressed with it, they weren't very welcoming (but that's an additional tale), but I did get something out of the sermon. The pastor said something about how when something goes wrong with your car, the person you trust most to fix it is the person who made it (which isn't exactly accurate, I know, but whatever :P). The point was, God made us and made this world. Are we gonna trust ourselves to fix our lives or are we gonna trust the Person who designed all of it and knows far more about it than we do? Powerful thought.

And so now I just want to give everything up to God, so that I can have whatever I need to get back restored, and get rid of whatever wasn't good for me. It's a little scary to not know exactly what will come back and what won't, but that's not my call. Which is good, because I'm stupid. lol. I don't mean that in a self-hating kind of way, just that in the grand scheme of things, I don't really know anything. Like Job, I wasn't there when God created the world, so what do I really know? Not much, and only what God teaches me. So yes, it's a little scary. But it's also bringing a peace and a joy at the same time.

So yeah... I don't know how to end this and it feels like it's rambling on forever, so... I'll just end.

I have mixed feelings about water. Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that I was essentially born drown.

I have decided I want to start getting up at 7. Staying up late can get kind of boring. I am turning into such an old person.

I have now seen the film Splendor In The Grass and I've been thinking about if off an on the whole night. Love when books/movies do that.

I have a sister who basically refuses to shop at Wal-Mart. Because she thinks its dirty and that it smells. She pledged allegiance to Target.

I have an 18-55 mm lens and I want something longer. I'm not sure how I feel about zoom lenses now.

I have my window open and I am hoping I do not get poisoned with allergens.

I have iTunes on and I love the song Pink Graffiti Part 1 by Secret Cities, which is the current song. In a playlist. I don't listen to albums much.

I have to do laundry today or something Very Bad will happen; I'll have no clean clothes whatsoever.

I have changed a lot, when I stop to think about it. I think it's mostly all good. I just feel more myself.

OK, Go

So there are these two versions of myself I have in my head. There's the me that I want to be, where I exaggerate all my virtues and I seem like this super cool woman. Then there's the me that I don't want to be, where all my faults are exaggerated and I seem like an incredibly awkward, weird, dorky baby. When I feel like the second version of myself it makes me feel like thinking that I could ever be the first person is so stupid. When I feel like the first version, it's like the second person never existed. But today, while wrestling with an umbrella in the wind and listening to Delphic, I found myself wondering who the real me is, the person who isn't just a version of myself that I imagine myself to be.

By the way, if you don't write something soon, Andrew Pierce, I am going to kick you where it hurts.

And after all this time...

I'd still rather believe that I'm fine.

I'd still rather believe that it never hurt me and never hurts me now.

I'd still rather push it down.

I'd still rather do the right things for the wrong reasons.

I'd still rather do the wrong things for the right reasons.

I'd still rather pretend that I know exactly what I'm doing and what it all means.

I'd still rather believe I can get by without sleeping.

I'd still rather believe I can always be in control.

I'd still rather count my own life as the only thing worth my time.

I'd still rather focus on the unimportance of past events.

I'd still rather rush to the future.

I'd still rather dig myself in too deep.

I'd still rather hold in the thoughts that really matter and let go recklessly of all the things that come back to haunt you.

I'd still rather get my own way.

How'd I get so effed up? Just wondering.

And how are you supposed to be young? Uhg. I know only so much to know that I know so little. I can't help it that I don't know it all. What am I supposed to do in the meantime is my question. I can't wait until I know more to move. And the only way to learn is to do. How do you start without any prior experience? Oh, I don't really know how to say the things I'm feeling...

Its funny how we're constantly changing. Even if we don't realize it, we are. It's weird how there are things you think you are, and then you say so and it leaves. Like you just needed to hold onto it long enough to say something about it, and then by saying so you free it and it makes room for something else. There were things about myself that I held in for so long, waiting for someone to tell them to. I thought they were so important. But now that I've gotten them out, I've practically forgotten I ever was that way. It's strange.

Here Comes The Sun, Little Darling

We walked in and "Here Comes The Sun," was playing. Liz spun E, who is going on three but thinks she's in her 20s, around in circles.
"There's Laura," said my great uncle Alvin, "I can always tell where she is by her laugh; she's always laughing."
"That's true," says my grandma, "she is always laughing, isn't she?"
Laura is one of my favorite people in the whole entire family.
"Do you remember who this is?" someone asked me. I had no clue. "It's Grandma's sister's daughter." She had the classic Barry dry sense of humor and apparently enjoys mowing people's yards and plowing their snow...? Her daughter, her daughter's daughter, and her daughter's daughter's sons were there as well and I started figuring out how all these people fit into the family. :P She and my grandma discussed their clothing sizes and their exercise habits.
Harold, a friend of the family's for probably 70 years, came up to my sister and I asked why there hadn't been a Christmas picture of us this year.
"We're thinking of bringing it back next year; a lot of people told us they missed it."
"All the old people we know asked us why we didn't have one," I remarked to my sister after Harold walked off.
"Yeah," she agrees. "Maybe we should take one and make a couple of copies for the people who asked about it."
Later, my grandma and her niece we sitting down. "Why, aren't you sitting down?" Grandma asks Britt and me.
"We've got to stand up while we're still able to," I tell her mischievously.
"Did you her that?" Grandma asks her niece, as if she's shocked but I can tell she's amused.
"I'm just teasing," I said. "You're always teasing me."
"Am I?" asked Grandma. Oh goodness, lol.
Britt and I were bored the majority of the time so after a while we went off to find the bathroom -- which was in the basement (called the "first floor" - nice euphemism...) past some doors that said "storage" and "employees only!" with keypad locks. Great...
Liz isn't officially a part of the family, but watching her talk to everyone I thought she looked like a good fit. Grandma doesn't like that she's Catholic, however... *eye roll*
I only got asked twice if I was in college *sigh of relief* and was interrupted before I could answer the dreaded "why not..?" question. My great uncle Alvin of 90 years, my grandma's brother, told me that since I was a "good lookin' gal" I needed to carry a baseball bat with me if I did go to school.
The West Chapel was decorated in soft, soothing pastels and had a mural of Grecian columns on one wall, which are a symbol of stability, all of which I found interesting.
"Did you hear Lanny's little boy?" my Grandma asked me. "'I'm bored.' I told him, 'you'll just have to deal with it.' 'I knoowww,' he said," and she laughed.
Mom and Britt and I went out to get the car. Carl, the one my Grandma thinks tells too raunchy of jokes, caught us on the way out. "Have you been feeling better?" he asks me. I sighed in my head. Nobody can forget that silly hospital incident of last summer, it seems.
"Yeah, I've been doing really good."
"Well, we were praying for you a lot for a while there, like every night!"
"We appreciate it," my mother replies.
In the car, while waiting for my grandma and aunt, mom says, "This is where my dad was. But on the other side, I think. ...It was all a blur."
My mom, on the way home: "Brian was the most upset out of all of them; he was crying when we talked to him. He's not his real son, is he?"
"No," said my grandma. "But he was really little. And he knew that Ben always treated him like his own son. And Big Mouth Carol - that was his first wife - had to go and tell him! Did Laura say if they found out what caused it?"
"It was a heart attack."
He died in bed, with a lit cigarette in his hand. He had a little dog who didn't want to leave his side. It's funny how animals know these things.
Well, anyway, viewing are interesting events. You learn a lot about family history and see a lot of people you never see.