Prelude For Time Feelers

Viewing Friday, 7 to 9 PM (we have to be there an hour early at 6), funeral Saturday at 11AM.

I still don't feel terribly sad. I've thought about things and all and there are moments (usually right after I wake up when everything comes back to me) where I have a mild panic because of everything that's going on in my life at the moment. But I am ok. I'm not saying that in a fake way, but I really am OK because God's love is meeting me. And the result is a kaleidoscope of emotion in me; all different kinds, all different colors, but pulled together into something beautiful. And I'm peaceful, in spite of everything. Not distracted, but embraced. Not running from my burdens but taking them to Christ. Ok, so I'm still just getting used to being this way. I don't do it perfectly yet. But as I am starting to know a God of LOVE (not just a God to pray to pray to) who cares deeply for me and is orchestrating my whole life with meaning, and out of love, it is changing me from the inside out. It's changing my understanding of life's trials. It's making me less resistant to being stretched and pulled out of my comfort zone. It's grounding me spiritually and even in my physical life.

I used to think that being a Christian was so boring. I resisted God because I thought He would come with a bunch of requirements of boring things that I would have to do in order to be with Him. There are a lot of people who think (and I suppose they have good intentions, I'm not bashing them or anything, I just disagree) that to  become a Christian literally means to give up anything remotely earthly (*ahem* Charles Spurgeon...). I was brought up not exactly being taught that outrightly, but hearing it a lot. So I had a lot of guilt for not being as Christian as I thought I was supposed to be. And I felt REALLY guilty that I didn't even want to be that sort of a practically Amish Christian. But over time, something changed. There were a lot of different things that contributed to my mind and heart being opened; one of them was starting to read books and the Bible for myself.

I read C S Lewis, the Schaeffers, Steve Brown, and John Powell. All are very different in their backgrounds that perspectives. C S Lewis? Former atheis, takes a very phillisohpical approach to Christianity. The Schaeffers? First generation Christians, founded the L'Abri and "hipster" Christianity's roots are with them, supposedly. Steve Brown? A reformed pastor. I fell off my chair (so to speak) when I found out he was reformed because that's the very sort of Christianity I've been frustrated with and have wanted to get away from, but reading his book I wouldn't have guessed that at all because he was so, well, cool. And reasonable. And finally, John Powell. John Powell is Catholic and a psychologist. Not something you would expect ME to read, right? Well, he's brilliant. I don't agree with the intensely Catholic parts, but the rest is good. Amazing even.

All of them have taught me so much. They introduced me to a God of LOVE. Not a God of requirements. I've learned what it means to give up everything to God. It doesn't mean living in a holy vacuume, it means submitting everything as God having authority over it. It doesn't mean that you can't be creative and enjoy the things of earthly life that God GAVE to enjoy. It means you understand where these things came from and why we have the capacity to do and enjoy them in the first place. I've met a God who loves me as I am, and because of Christ's gift I can run into His arms, even if I'm still imperfect and don't have everything figured out. A God who wants me to express my honest thoughts and feelings to Him, even if they are about "bad" things (sin I'm struggling with or whatever). And all of this has been so incredibly freeing. God's yoke truly IS easy and light!

I was thinking today about how at my old church everyone is really hung up on sin and getting forgiveness. Do NOT get me wrong, you can't ignore sin or take it lightly. It is very real and very dangerous and it is super important to be knowledgeable about it and to deal with it. But being forgiven of sin is NOT the be-all-end-all of Christianity. We're not forgiven of sin just so we're forgiven -- the end. We're forgiven so that we can be clean and thus START HAVING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. Forgiveness is not the prize, it's the ticket to the prize. At my old church, one of the first things they would do is have a confession of sin. I think this is sort of backwards. I mean, we're all Christians, we're already ultimately forgiven, first of all. Second of all, when Jesus taught us how to pray, His prayer went: "give us this day our daily bread and forgive us out debts."  He started with the daily, earthly needs, and then went on to the forgiveness of sin. I find from my own experience that that's a really practical way to pray. You come to God, the King of the universe, who you have complete and total access to as an adopted child of the King (something that is permanent; your "pass card" doesn't become void when you sin and have to be reactivated by confession of sin, for pete's sake!), pour out your heart to Him, bask in His presence, and His love and His light will draw out of you anything that needs to be confessed. I think your confession is going to be much more genuine as well when it comes out of that moment, a moment of love and your Father's embrace.

And oh my gosh, this post is so long and so rambling, probably barely coherent, and now completely off topic from where I started, but I have so much stuff in my head that excites me about God and life, etc. So you know.