What's The Word?

I'm wiped out. The viewing was today.

The hardest moment was when the funeral people (?) took us into the room. And I saw her in there. I broke down then. I couldn't go over to the casket. I was just standing there crying with one of the funeral guys standing in the doorway watching everything and thinking that this was the weirdest most awkward moment of my life. *sigh* Ok well... I can think of one slightly more awkward moment now, but yeah, that was a in a completely different vein of awkward, lol.

The whole evening was weird because it didn't seem real. I kept saying in my head, "Grandma is dead. She's dead. We're at her viewing." But I still couldn't really believe it. And it was so weird how life went on and people would laugh and little kids would run around the room and we'd talk about every day things. Just like it was some sort of regular get-together. But it was not. Oh, it was just so weird. I don't know how to describe it.

I feel like I've crossed some right of passage. I've only been to one viewing that I can remember. I was only two or three when my great-grandpa died. The other one was a cousin I never knew. So yeah. But now, I know. It's not this strange, unknown world anymore. Like, I understand what it means to have people be there with you. My mom's cousin and her brother who never knew my grandma came and that meant a lot to me. And I don't know. I don't know if I can really put it into words right now, my mind is all whatever...

But yeah. I did look at her. I went up with my mom and my other grandma, and then once by myself. It wasn't as bad as I thought. She just looked like she was sleeping, and something else I can't put my finger on. It wasn't whimsical, but it definitely brought to mind the whole Elizabethtown moment. It wasn't weird when I was looking with my mom and grandma, but I felt a little scared when I was looking at her by myself. *shrug*

It was also weird to see little kids' reactions to it. Like, they don't understand, but they'll go up and look, and one of them touched her hand. I always thought kids would be scared, but they don't seem to be. I haven't quite collected my thoughts on this yet though.

It was hard watching my "little" cousin (ok, I think he's 11..? Maybe) go up by himself to the casket and talk to her. I don't know what he said, but yeah...

And it was all just so..... strange. I always knew this day would come but it's still so weird.