Prelude For Time Feelers

So my grandma is probably going to pass soon. She's in the hospital with pneumonia and they're having problems with her heart and kidneys. The things to help the kidneys would be bad for the heart, the things for the heart would be bad for the kidneys. She's retaining fluid and gained 10lbs over night.

I went out to see her yesterday. Mom wanted us to spend some time with her before things turned, you know. I couldn't walk into the room at first. She was in her bed, eating. And she just seemed so incredibly small and fragile, and the hospital room (which of course, was not big) seemed cavernous around her. It's not the grandma I remember. It hasn't been for years, but now. Yeah. She used to be vibrant and lively and was never one to sit still. Always on the go, always out with friends, always always always doing. She liked to have a full calender, she would say. And seeing her like that, it hit me and I had to take a minute to compose myself while Mom and Britt went in. It was so weird because I could literally feel my heart in my throat pulsing as I stood there, holding my breath in an effort to not completely break down.

After I went in she didn't recognize me at first. She has a hard time keeping up with my changing hair styles. But then she realized it was indeed me. So we all sat there and talking for a while, me on her right, Britt on her left, and Mom at the foot of the bed. I showed her some pictures I've taken and we talked about Britt's baking and how my cousins are having a baby. She spoke of how hard it will be to get back in the swing of therapy once she out of the hospital. *sigh* She had a stroke a few weeks ago and has been in a nursing home to recover from that prior to contracting pneumonia. Everything was all very light and casual. But I could tell she was very reluctant for us to go. Mom stood up while a nurse came in to get her temp and blood pressure and when the nurse was done Grandma said, "sit back down Debby, and that's an order!" Something in the undertone of her voice then... I don't know. She was talking about things in the future, like the baby and therapy and stuff, but something in the way she said that to Mom kind of seemed like she suspected otherwise.

I don't know what else to say. I'm completely clueless of what to expect from myself.