Prelude For Time Feelers

Roll it up, take a hit. Feelin it, 2am, summer night. Livin' my life, gittin' out dreams. People told me slow my roll, I'm screamin' out, "fuck that!" I'm gonna do just what I want, and there ain't no turnin' back. I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold. Hey, I'll be fine once I get it, and I'll be good.

So tell me what you know about dreamin', dreamin'. You don't realy know about, nothin', nothin'. Tell me what you know about the night terrors every night, 5AM, cold sweat, wakin' up to the skies.

Tell me what you know about dreams - dreams. Tell me what you know about night terrors - nothin'. You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow, you'd rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow.

Hands on the wheel? Uh-uh, fuck that.
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It's funny because I always thought I was fine because I was a good kid. I wasn't one of the wild ones out there getting high/drunk/whatever on a regular basis. But taking stock of my life these past few months, I've seen something. My whole life has been terribly chaotic and unstable. Not in an external way, but an internal way. I read that all anger leads to violence; it's either external or internal. I'm definitely not externally violent, and thus I always thought I was not angry. But I finally have come face to face with the internal toll of anger. God help me, the denial of ym anger has worn me down to nearly nothing and left me with such a shell of a life. The selfishness, the withdrawing from people and life, the coldness, the depression, the lack of interest, the lack of self respect, the tension, the restlessness, the inability to concentrate for very long, the feeling of wanting to run away, the inability to stand up for myself and speak my mind, the excessive sarcasm -- on and on it goes. Way more than you could ever imagine saying "I don't care" and denying your emotions could do to you.

And so even though I'm not a high drunkard, I identify with that song somehow. The desperation and the heading for destruction, the anger in between the lines, and the negative behaviors to get something "good" out of life...

But I am not hopeless, far from it. Lately I have sensed God whispering, "dear, I'll catch you, but you have to jump first." I'm so scared to face all that is within me, all that I have spent years denying and ignoring. But beyond that, I'm tired. I'm tired of being held back by myself. I have absolutely no good reason to be missing out on living, though, God knows, I've attempted to justify it to myself with "good" reasons many times. I asked God a few nights ago, "will I ever get to where I want to be?" He answered immediately: "if you don't lose heart, in due season you shall reap." I keep holding on to that, holding on tight.

And I'm gonna jump. That sounds like a death wish, lol. But I'm not talking about THAT. I'm talking about LIFE. Jumping into the arms of the Author of LIFE.