So I'm sitting here listening to Eminem feeling pretty angry. Yeah, that's totally Eminem's influence on me. :P
Anger is so frightening, but, I'm learning, so essential. I have no patience with stoic people. Absolutely none. Dicks. But I'm so afraid to feel it sometimes. Sometimes, I turn into a dick myself. *sigh*
This last week I totally shoved everything I was feeling down inside of myself. I didn't know any other way to carry on. I watched myself show and feel absolutely no emotion when my beloved cat was on her supposed death bed. I just kept thinking about other things. I was wondering at the time why I wouldn't even think about it. But I just wouldn't. And I don't know. Everything else that's bothering me I just shoved down too and told myself I was over it and fine. I burring myself in my work. And then the next thing I know I'm going out of my fucking mind because I was so anxious. I couldn't concentrait on anything, I couldn't think, couldn't sit still, couldn't move, couldn't breathe. And I decided something. Sadness and anger are better than the alternative of repression that just turns into self abuse.
I've always considered myself a person who didn't get angry. Now I see I DO get angry, I just didn't recognize it as such. All my anxiety, depression, heartburn, irritability, and whatever the crap else comes from the fact that I don't let myself be angry. We live in a society that pretty much portrays anger as people beating each other's brains out, shooting each other, young inner city kids in gangs setting fire to buildings, etc. etc. And we think we can't be angry or we'll turn into them. But God has been teaching me something: you can't forgive without first being angry. And it's never anger that's a sin, it's only what you do with it that can turn into sin. Me punching someone in the face because I'm angry? Sin. Me whipping my bed with my exercise band and making my bird think I'm insane when I'm angry? That's ok. So there you go.
Two things that are interesting indeed. 1, my friend Ellen said, "maybe we can't truly love the sinner until we truly hate the sin." 2. my mother keeps telling me that Jesus said to live abundantly, which means feeling all emotions abundantly, even anger. People always want to talk about the Love part of Christianity. Love is essential but there's more to life and the Bible than just love. Anyone who seriously reads the Bible should be able to see that.
Part of life is picking up, moving on, letting go, getting over it. But you cannot, have not, done that if you don't first go through a really tough time. There's no rebirth without death. You can't censor your emotions. You can't pretend that just because you know something is for the best that it doesn't still matter in some ways. You have not moved on from something if you only take a week to eat ice cream and watch One Tree Hill or whatever. You're still carrying all that stuff around with you if you never really let yourself be sad and just deal with it. End of story. And so I'm being sad and dealing. Although, still eating ice cream -- abundantly.
I'm rambling.
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