Sweet Disposition

Downtown -- I've found myself there a lot recently. Wandering around through the alleys and communing with the bricks and broken glass and taking pictures of the patterns there. Watching concerts and sunsets. Just exploring through dusk and shaky feelings. It feels like a different place on foot; there's so much more detail you don't notice when you're driving through. I like it, but it's rather small. There are enough nooks and crannies to keep me occupied for a while, but the opportunities for discovery are limited. And it's impossible to get lost here. Totally impossible. What fun is exploring if you can't get lost? I feel like someday I may need something larger. There are a lot of larger cities within 4 hours of me. Chicago is at the top of the list in prominence. But everyone does Chicago. I don't like being like everyone else. I should very much like to visit Chicago and become familiar with it, but any type of permanence there doesn't appeal to me much. I was in Louisville around this time last year and I have to say, I felt a sort of awakening there. I felt alive surrounded by hills. It was glorious. It's been haunting my memory and my heart ever since.
Ah well, who knows. I'm just looking forward to new and exciting opportunities in the future once I've gotten my life tidied up.

I'm Right *Here*

When you’re walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?

I wish you would

Come pick me up
Take me out...
Steal my records

I wish you would...

~Ryan Adams

*sigh*

Changes

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts." ~ Arnold Bennett

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

---

The seasons are changing again. Summer fades out to make room for the brilliant colors of autumn. My emotions become more acute in the cool, crisp air. I remember hints of golden times from a childhood that is gone, never to return. I am in awe of the beauty of life, which seems to take on a sweet simplicity this time of year.

Life is filled with more change than just the seasons. So many patterns, both big and small, have been altered of late. Changes that bring heart-ache, loneliness, and confusion. Good is coming from it, though. I have had to face myself - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am changing into the person I need to be; growing up. An uncomfortable process, but a good one. I am learning who I really am, becoming more expressive, deepening my faith, restoring neglected relationships, and beginning to work on neglected tasks.

One thing I have learned about myself is that I have been very selfish. I've been looking at what I can get out of life and what I can get out of the people in my life. I've basically just lived my life for myself, doing what I felt I needed to do to keep myself happy, not giving much thought to how I effect others. I wanted people around me to fix my problems, make me happy, and fill my needs. I didn't worry about using my life to bless others. I didn't care about enriching other people's lives and helping them with their needs. God has been opening my eyes to this grave fault of mine. I have started to see that true love is not getting - true love is giving. While I am certainly far from rooting out all selfishness from my life, I have started to realize the beauty of caring for others; focusing on them more than myself. It is it's own reward. Giving of yourself, I'm learning, is more fulfilling than anything you can get.

Angels On The Moon

"Do you believe in the day that you were born? Tell me do you believe?"

Because I believe in it. And you should, too.

"Do you know, that every day's the first of the rest of your life?"

Because every new day is a fresh start, with no mistakes in it. But the days go by so fast. Don't waste them.

"You can tell me all your thoughts about the stars that fill polluted skies and show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side."

Because I want to know; you can feel safe, you don't have to fear being misunderstood. I'll be on your side.