OK, Go

So there are these two versions of myself I have in my head. There's the me that I want to be, where I exaggerate all my virtues and I seem like this super cool woman. Then there's the me that I don't want to be, where all my faults are exaggerated and I seem like an incredibly awkward, weird, dorky baby. When I feel like the second version of myself it makes me feel like thinking that I could ever be the first person is so stupid. When I feel like the first version, it's like the second person never existed. But today, while wrestling with an umbrella in the wind and listening to Delphic, I found myself wondering who the real me is, the person who isn't just a version of myself that I imagine myself to be.

By the way, if you don't write something soon, Andrew Pierce, I am going to kick you where it hurts.

And after all this time...

I'd still rather believe that I'm fine.

I'd still rather believe that it never hurt me and never hurts me now.

I'd still rather push it down.

I'd still rather do the right things for the wrong reasons.

I'd still rather do the wrong things for the right reasons.

I'd still rather pretend that I know exactly what I'm doing and what it all means.

I'd still rather believe I can get by without sleeping.

I'd still rather believe I can always be in control.

I'd still rather count my own life as the only thing worth my time.

I'd still rather focus on the unimportance of past events.

I'd still rather rush to the future.

I'd still rather dig myself in too deep.

I'd still rather hold in the thoughts that really matter and let go recklessly of all the things that come back to haunt you.

I'd still rather get my own way.

How'd I get so effed up? Just wondering.

And how are you supposed to be young? Uhg. I know only so much to know that I know so little. I can't help it that I don't know it all. What am I supposed to do in the meantime is my question. I can't wait until I know more to move. And the only way to learn is to do. How do you start without any prior experience? Oh, I don't really know how to say the things I'm feeling...

Its funny how we're constantly changing. Even if we don't realize it, we are. It's weird how there are things you think you are, and then you say so and it leaves. Like you just needed to hold onto it long enough to say something about it, and then by saying so you free it and it makes room for something else. There were things about myself that I held in for so long, waiting for someone to tell them to. I thought they were so important. But now that I've gotten them out, I've practically forgotten I ever was that way. It's strange.