Why?

Something happened tonight that I'm not proud of. Something that I keep telling myself isn't going to happen anymore, than it does. Am I addicted? Not in the fullest sense of the word. Not like a drug. The compulsion certainly not does not take away my personal responsibility. I think it's a cycle that needs to be broken. Easier said than done, sure. After all, I keep telling myself it won't happen again. I think understanding of why it happens is the key to breaking the cycle. It's not enough to just say it's wrong, it's a sin, now stop. I need to figure out why I do it in the first place. Once I started to really look at the situation instead of just brush it aside as something I shouldn't do, I saw the full picture. The problem is deeper than just doing something over and over again when I know I shouldn't.

I realized something about why it keeps happening. It's something that in the moment is very fulfilling. The trouble is, each time it happens it doesn't leave me full. It actually takes something from me. So while it lasts I have a fullness but once it's gone, I'm even emptier than I was before. I keep going back to it, "like a dog to its vomit," for that good feeling - it's easier to go back each time because there's a stronger need for it since I'm more empty from the last time. But the feeling doesn't last. It's no good, really, not in the long run.

So how to stop? Well, it occurred to me that the only way to truly be full, obviously (but still something that I missed in this situation) is to be filled with the Spirit of God. Only God can satisfy us. So the REAL problem is that I'm not looking to God to satisfy me and fill me in such a way that I don't need to go to other worthless things for a hit of short-lived, detrimental "satisfaction."

Something I've observed but haven't wanted to give full attention to is the gross fact that when I'm in the midst of a poor choice I have to actively push God out of my mind to be able to go through with it. It's like, well, no one will see, no one will know, so there's no shame involved, right? Wrong. Seriously wrong. God is right there in the room - a HOLY God who cannot stand evil. Not only is He holy, but He is my father. He loves me, He takes care of me, He bled for me. I'm letting Him down, hurting Him, when I mess up. Obviously, if I were to be focusing on all that, there was no way I could go through with the sinning. So I sit here now thinking about how when I felt alone and ok about it, I really wasn't alone. God was right there. Uhg (directed at myself).

The sin isn't really the total problem, it's more of the symptom. So just coming to God for forgiveness after the fact is like trying to treat the pain the comes from a tumor while leaving the tumor there to fester. Obviously, that situation is just going to get worse and worse. And that's just what I've been doing. I've been saying, "God, forgive me," when I should be saying, "God, fill me and satisfy me with You so I don't want to sin."

Ok, yeah, I can't deny that I totally want to stop sinning, either. Another problem. Just wanting to not sin because God will see doesn't mean that you don't want the sin. But as I've looked at it closer and seen how it empties me instead of fills me that's already making me want to do it less. Realizing that it's happening cuz I'm trying to be full, not just doing it on a whim, has revealed what I'm really wanting. I want fullness, not the sinful act, ultimately. The only way I can be truly satisfied is for God to fill me. Not just to fill me so that I'm aware of His presence with me and thus won't sin in front of Him, but to take away the dissatisfaction that drives me to the sin in the first place.

I can't stop sinning. Just knowing that I shouldn't do it isn't enough. That's humbling. At, at times, even frightening. But that's not the end of the story. We have the law so that we're aware of our sin; if it stopped there, how desperate our situation would be. Thankfully God redeems us.

Picture this... I mean, take a moment and really picture it.

You're laying there, in the mud, filth, and squalor of your own sin. Then a King comes along. This King is so awesomely good that He's never even had a speck of dust on Him. He's so awesome that He doesn't even need to bother with you, He's already got a whole kingdom filled with CLEAN splendor and riches. But yet, for some reason, He loves you. He still wants to be with you even as you're laying there in a disgusting state. He loves you so much that even though He already has a clean, glorious kingdom all His own, He takes the time to come to dirty little pathetic you. He takes you in His arms, with an expression not of disgust but of concern on His face. Then this King, this good King, takes His own blood and starts gently, lovingly, washing off the filth that is crusted upon your entire body with it. This King who doesn't need you, wants you. Wants you enough that He shed His own blood for you. He loves you so much that even as He knows you're going to not be grateful for it and be right back in the mud again, He still washes you. And He will wash you over and over again, as many times as necessary. Why does He love you so much? Why does He care about you so much? Why does He want to be with you even though He doesn't need you? Why does He want to be with you even though you don't want to be with Him as you aught? Why? I can't answer that. But He does. Somehow, He does.

I was sitting in the park this afternoon thinking about how fast this year has gone by. It was weird to me that it has already been over three months since I sat under a tree there and thought about how I was coming to the start of the rest of my life. Well, a lot happened since that day. All my plans were upset and scattered across the table. My world turned upside down. It felt so dreadful, but it turns out is was the best thing that could have happened. I've had to face so much of myself. Which hasn't been pleasant, sure. But now I know my strengths and weaknesses so much better. I know how to live a life that is more pleasing to God. I've learned so much about life. And so even though the things that I thought were going to happen, the things I wanted to happen, didn't, I think I was still right when I suspected I was heading towards big change. It just wasn't external change, it was internal. Now I see that there's no way I can get to any major external change until the "minor" internal changes have been realized. I've found that you can make plans, but you can't trust in them. You can only trust God. Only He knows what you truly need. So you have to take life one day at a time, work on the tasks at hand, and let the grand plan unfold gradually.

I've been such a baby. I can only shake my head at some of the things I've said and done over the year. I thought I knew so much but really I knew next to nothing. I'm still far from being mature. I think I'm more in the toddler stage now. You know, able to walk but still falling down frequently - not good at it yet. But if I keep going, eventually I'll get somewhere. I just need to be a little more patient about it.

Dang. I wonder what will happen in the next three months to round off this crazy year? Only one way to find out: one day at a time...

Ticket But No Train

I didn't feel very content where I am today and a thought occurred to me: there's really not much keeping me here. I don't have a lot of ties. I'd like to get out and have some adventures, and technically there's not really anything stopping me. If I wanted to, I could just get up and leave. I even know people in various locations around the country so I could go somewhere and not be completely alone. So why not?

Oh wait. That's right. I'm too afraid.

Fear has always been a major part of my life. It has lessened significantly over time by God's grace. This past year I have become a lot more comfortable not knowing things. I've realized life is not a gamble. I'm starting to see that everything is in God's hands and so it will be ok. I've pretty much got all the big things squared away. Death? Nah. Car wreck? Nope. Cancer? Pooh. Getting abducted while going on my daily walk? No. The little things, however, are what really keep me from getting out and living. Stupid things like: what if I get a headache and can't handle not being able to lay down? what if I have a car wreck and the person is really mean about it and I don't know how to handle it? what if i say the wrong thing when I make a phone call? what if I get sick and no one is around to help me? etc.

So you see, I feel like I have the ticket but no train. But I think it's time I started taking the steps to find the train and face the fears.