It's funny how you think you know, but you really have no idea.
I'm just sitting here kind of amazed at myself. And amazed at life. My amazement at myself is the "oh my god, what the hell..?" kind of thing. My amazement at life is positive.
It's funny being where I am now, looking back on where I was two+ years ago. The two things that pop out at me the most are how I thought I knew what was going to happen, but God had a lot of things up his sleeve, and also that I ended things simply because I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with them (not that I understood that at the time, but it make me panic and run away).
I regret that I did run away. I was always running one way or another, and smashing into everything, and I've been struggling with a lot of guilt over that the last few months. But at the same time I've come to realize that it's not my fault entirely that I was the way I was. No one raised me to think about things rationally or to deal with life as an adult. It's not my fault it's taken two+ years to dig out from my mother's mindset and methods. Yeah, I wish I was further along in The Timeline sometimes, but it's not something I can change. I know what's important is that I take responsibility for myself NOW and change the things about myself that I need to change, and that's all that really matters in the end. But yeah, sometimes my mind does think, "geeze, if I had just chilled out two, or even three years ago, how different things could have been, could be now." But that's not really the way to live your life.
Still, I'm grateful that things didn't end. I never really wanted them to. I'm enjoying finally being at rest with it, not pushing backwards or forwards, just letting it go where it wants to go. Which, I admit, is a completely new experience for me. :P
When God started giving me a message of hope two years ago, I got excited. Then all of a sudden life crashed down. My grandma died. I got sick and had to deal with pain and lack of energy for the past 18 months. I thought, what the crap God?? Why would you tell me that things were going to get better and then let everything get even worse? I rebelled for a while against all the positive changes I had started to make and reverted back even more into the grubby little selfish, depressed, self-pittying, desperate self. I was afraid, you see. Afraid to get my hopes up again, that God could work miracles, then have my hopes dashed. I felt completely dashed upon the rocks for a long time. But now I'm starting to see that this didn't take God by surprise and it was probably part of the plan all along. He was telling me that more would be possible for me because this time was coming. I had to go down and scrape along the very bottom of myself for a while to learn some important lessons. Now I don't think I could ever have received the things he's been promising without going through/continuing through this journey. Which is pretty cool, although I'm still grappling with all the thoughts and emotions illness has brought up, and the illness itself. Trying to process it all. I will get through it all eventually. And now that I'm calming down I realize he was whispering all along, "more is growing, the desert is turning into streams." I was just running around too frantically to hear it.
So, now, the adventure continues. Cuz it never REALLY ends, does it? :)
