*sigh*
When did I become such an angry person? I think it happened when I was ... 13? 14? 18? 7? I've been so angry and so hurt by an event that happened years ago I've ended up taking advantage of people I care(d) about most. The shock of having my eyes truly opened hit me about four weeks ago. It was shocking to see just how buried in sin I had become. Gradually, over the past four weeks of pain and confusion, the layers have peeled back more and more. And today I read something that made me realize how much I missed, how much I didn't see. How I was so incredibly selfish and took so much advantage of someone; someone who was in a lot of pain and confusion but I assumed to be fine. And I'm sorry for that. I wish I could tell them that. :(
I'm hopefully starting therapy soon. I've realized if I ever want a shot at a life that is good and worth living, I've got to face that part of me. I don't know how to get through it on my own, which is why I want some "professional help" Dang, that makes me feel so screwed up... But I guess in a way, I kind of am. I've spent my whole life letting the devil pick on me, and trying to distract myself from pain. I've spent years burried under sin, lies, and confusion. I've lied to myself, told myself I didn't care about it, that it didn't bother me. And for a long time that worked; although, looking back on it, the time I started believing that was when I got really depressed and started having stomach problems, so maybe it didn't work so well after all. But anyway, now... now I've truly seen just how much it really has a/effected me: how incapable I am of having good relationships (not just dating relationships, but those too) with people because of my own hang ups. God forgive me, I've been wretched. :*( I was so desperately trying to fill a void (that at the same time I was so desperate to deny was even there) in my own life that I took something from someone that can never be given back. I'm sorry.
It's been said that the truth shall set us free. I'm finding that to be accurate. I took a walk yesterday and noticed two things. First, a new (albeit small, though hopefully growing) determination to do things FOR MYSELF. The desire for independence, if you will. Not wanting other people to do everything for me. And also, though I had walked that road so many times, I was noticing things I had never noticed before; I felt very alive. I want to live. Not just exist, but LIVE. Live a life that is godly, that is filled with good things and service to others. A life that is filled with so much joy of the LORD that the fears and pains are crowded out. I want to BE HEALED. Be changed. I am so excited because I think so many more things are going to be possible for me than I ever imagined. There's this feeling that I cannot put into words. A month ago I felt like I was having everything ripped away from me. In a way, I was.. But I was dying so that I could live, I see that now. It was so hard to get away from everything at first, and I was deeply afflicted -- and conflicted. But when we're attacked, one of the biggest temptations is to not trust God; to think, "if I just had That One Thing, everything would be fine." Nope, not how it works. It's terrifying to have your "security blanket" ripped away from you, or to be taken out of your comfort zone. But that's only at first, and only to try to get you to go back to the old damaging ways. Well, I've seen the Light, satan, you can't fool me anymore. Take that. :P
I still have a lot of regrets, and things I'm sorry for, but I'm determined not to dwell in that aspect of things. I still have a lot of unanswered questions, things I'm confused about. I don't understand completely why everything happened the way it did. But I have faith in God to work everything out; to give me clarity. I don't need to worry about the future, because I'll end up where I need to be if I just follow God. I'm so thankful that He was there watching over everything that's been happening the past few months, and that He intervened when/how He did. It's been painful; there's been a lot of hurt on both sides, but no one's to blame. But it was definitely not a beneficial situation, although God has graciously ultimately worked it out for our good.
I visited a church with a friend two Sundays ago. I wasn't really that impressed with it, they weren't very welcoming (but that's an additional tale), but I did get something out of the sermon. The pastor said something about how when something goes wrong with your car, the person you trust most to fix it is the person who made it (which isn't exactly accurate, I know, but whatever :P). The point was, God made us and made this world. Are we gonna trust ourselves to fix our lives or are we gonna trust the Person who designed all of it and knows far more about it than we do? Powerful thought.
And so now I just want to give everything up to God, so that I can have whatever I need to get back restored, and get rid of whatever wasn't good for me. It's a little scary to not know exactly what will come back and what won't, but that's not my call. Which is good, because I'm stupid. lol. I don't mean that in a self-hating kind of way, just that in the grand scheme of things, I don't really know anything. Like Job, I wasn't there when God created the world, so what do I really know? Not much, and only what God teaches me. So yes, it's a little scary. But it's also bringing a peace and a joy at the same time.
So yeah... I don't know how to end this and it feels like it's rambling on forever, so... I'll just end.
