Isn;t it wonderful how God can still use us while we're being stupid? Isn't it amazing how His grace is bigger than our foolishness?

That is all. :)

Some people would consider the point I'm at a weak point. However, I realized today this is one of my strongest moments. It takes great strength to allow oneself to FEEL. To feel, to be vulnerable, to be unashamed. To deal with the problem and not repress it. Repression equals possession; the things we repress control us. And if you're not in control of yourself, you're weak. Duh. In the words of my four year old "cousin" Josiah, "It's not science, Mom."

I realize that I sound a lot like a self help book lately. But maybe there's something to some of the points they have after all. I'm not talking anything fanatical here, but simply stuff that falls under the jurisdiction of plain ol' common sense. Heck, even the BIBLE advocates this. "Blessed are those who mourn" and honesty and all. When we are weak, then we are strong... Just sayin.

Sometimes, I feel like the only person in the world I can stand is my cat. And then I loath myself for feeling that way. That's how today is. Everything and everyone (sans cat) is making me incredibly angry and I'm being very mean and shutting them out, acting, or so I was told, like a five year old. And I know the reason why. Because I'm mad at myself and wallowing in self pitty. And mad at a lot of people and situations in my life.

I once told someone that I thought there was more going on in their head than they even realized. It's funny how we can recognize the things in someone else that we can't see in ourselves, though it be ever so rampant. You see, I would never have put such a label on this mood before as "I'm mad at everyone, etc." I would have just considered myself to be in a grumpy mood, got up on the wrong side of the bed or something, and everyone else were the ones with the problem: they needed to figure out they I was darn well entitled to them staying out of my way. Trouble is, as I realize just how unfair my attitude is and how much I have hurt people with it, it makes me more mad. I get mad at myself for doing it but not knowing how to stop it at the same time. And then that leads to more mean, childish behavior.

I'm finding so much in myself I "didn't know" was there. So many things that I claim "irritate" or "annoy" me actually HURT me and let me down. I can't love or forgive myself for my imperfections; I've got it in my head that the only way I can accept myself is when I have become ACCEPTABLE. I mean, how sad is that? How utterly sad! Jesus loved me BEFORE I was acceptable, He took me as I was, and yet... I can't look at myself that way. All I see is someone who is awkward and unlearned, does nothing right and squanders time and has taken advantage of a lot of sacred things. How do I love THAT? How do I accept THAT? I don't know how, but I know I've got to learn how. Because if I'm waiting to accept myself until I have reached perfection, a.) I'll never accept myself, and b.) I'll never be able to accept other people as flawed, either. And that's the trouble... usually all I see in other people is their flaws.

I great quote is this: "If our attitude towards the self is crippling, our capacity to love is proportionately diminished. The pain of a poor self-image is like the noisy strife of a civil war inside us. It magnetizes all our attention to ourselves and leaves us little freedom to go out to others." John Powell. So true, so very true. A large majority of my problems with other people is my problem with myself. And I didn't know I was supposed to overcome that. I thought, as a Christian, we were supposed to not like ourselves, or else we weren't being honest. But yet, does it ever say that anywhere in the Bible? I believe we were told to love the sinner but hate the sin. So I can accept myself.

Carl Jung said, "Jesus said, 'whatever you do to the least of My brethren, you do to Me.' What if you discovered that the least of the brethren of Jesus, the one who needs your love the most, the one that you can help the most by loving, the one to whom your love will be most meaningful -- what if you discovered that the least of the brethren ... is you?"Powerful. Very powerful indeed.

I could write scores more on this topic because it is something I've been thinking about/reading about along with how it correlates with service and such. But uhg, that wouln't solve ME, that wouldn't make things right in me. How do I do that? I mean, I know the answer, only God can make it right. I was reading in Isaiah the other night about God changing a desert to water and such. In the light of the Bible being a personal message from God to me (something which, sadly, I am all too apt to forget) I am pretty certain I was being assured that the healing and restoration I desire will happen. God will make mysterious, spiritual changes in me, Ashlee [insert full name here]. It's a sure thing; whether I can fathom it or not is not the point. But still, I struggle to hold onto that. There are so many things wrong in my heart, and so many wounds that have been inflicted by other people, so many hang ups because of that. And I don't know how it can ever be made right. But isn't that the point of Christianity? Him coming to bind up our wounds and make us whole again, and thus able to do the work He gives us?

It's hard not to feel crushed under the weight of all this. Which is why I think I have been so quick to push everything down inside of me for so long. But that doesn't work, and I can't find that to be ok anymore. Running from pain has not erased the pain. It just created more pain. I've hurt so many people as a result of my own hurts. I've become in turn depressed, numb, and anxious. It's blinded me and warped my perception of what is good and right. I've used people for my own gain and profaned relationships that should have been VALUED instead of devoured. My lack of honesty with myself has caused a division between the One thing that could fill the voids, bind the wounds, and wash the sin away and be the satisfaction and relief my soul yearns for. Because I didn't hide under His wing, I tried to hide in other things, namely sex. I've felt starved for change and in a rut, which I thought I needed more worldy things to fix: changes in activities or locations and such. But no, the change I am in such desperate need of is a SPIRITUAL change. But you want to know the most ironic thing? It's the fact that I looked on other people living the type of life as depicted above with disdain - how could they be so foolish? - and thought that I myself was a pretty decent Christian with most things figured out.

I thank God He has helped me begin to get over my fear of facing these things and I pray for His grace and His healing.